Reality Bites

Maybe this isn't the best post to make my comeback with. Or maybe it is. I'm not quite sure. What I am sure about is that this whole motherhood thing is way harder than it looks. I'm not going to lie... when my kids were little I thought about how much easier it would be "when they're older". The long nights of no sleep and the longer days that followed seem so long ago. So much so that I often find myself  closing my eyes tightly trying so hard to remember all the details of those exhausting days that I was desperately trying to just make it through. It's scary how fast memories can fade. SO join me now, won't you, down a quick and random stroll down memory lane.

My brother and me- preggers with Delaney

My baby girl. Who hated sleeping.

9 month birthday. One week before I found out I was pregnant with Brody.

BOOM...just like we were in the hospital and the little man was born

The little yellow man. So jaundiced.

I'm pretty sure this was the moment where reality hit. That face with her little arm up and Brody crying... yep. Life became blurry right about here. 

My chubby man

Whomp there it is.... what became my new normal. 

Memories. 

This was the Halloween that he had double ear infections. And at this time in his life. He loved chips. Tortilla chips. Couldn't get enough of them.

Now that they are older, things are not easier. They are so much harder in so many ways. School. Who knew that school would be so stressful? I sure didn't. I thought that I would be thrilled when they started school- you know like in the movies when the parents are shoving their kids in the front door (Sixteen Candles is playing in my head right now... not the best movie to base parenting off of I guess) and then celebrating. That wasn't me. Not last year. Not this year. This year is a little different since I am at the school with the kids day in and day out. I am 'with' them a lot more which is both good and bad. I have a small control issue (I'm sure you are all surprised by that admission;) and when I see the kids doing things that they shouldn't be doing, I have to stop myself from stomping over like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons and take care of it. They have their teachers. I have to let it go. Which is hard to do.  

Delaney and her buddy, Claire at her preschool graduation

Do you ever sit back and think "This is not how I thought my life would be"? Don't answer that. Let me back up a bit. I LOVE my family. I love Eric with all my heart. He knows how to calm me down when I am freaking out (which is no easy feat) and the man can make me laugh. Like really laugh- like ugly laugh. I LOVE my kids. They are my life and watching them grow is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. My family and friends are incredible too. My statement of 'this is not how I thought my life would be' is more to the tune of "I'm not who I thought I would be".  Even when I was pregnant with Delaney I imagined how I would be as a mother and wife very differently than what the reality has become. I saw myself as a Carol Brady meets Jennie McCarthy mixed in with some Danny Tanner (such an awesome combo). I imagined being able to perfectly execute my day while still maintaining all the crap around the house as well as the laundry. Oh the laundry. Why does it hate me so much? Why? Why is is so annoying and never ending? Moving on....

I'm not that. Not even a little. I am tired. I am stressed. I am overwhelmed. I am growing- in width. So why? Why is it all so hard to do? Right now, I am working full time again- essentially starting over with teaching. It's not easy. Not even a little bit.  I am bummed at the mom I have become. I sit in bed at night and reflect on the day and am usually cringing. I never thought I would be like I am. Same with teaching. Same with being a wife. I feel like I am the opposite of what I imagined. Is that a coincidence? Is that God's plan? Or have I just made poor, impulsive decisions that have led me to who I am today? So my question that I am sending out into the blogosphere is... can I change? I think I can. *Happy dance*

I love being a mom. I love being married to Eric. I love sweatpants and chocolate milk. I think now I just need to get out of my own way... and be the person I thought I was going to be.
*annnnndddd scene*